It's a Process - Embracing Simple Food

Ever have those conversations where someone drops something heavy into the discussion, and then there's that awkward silence that follows...well, I have felt my blogging to be like that for the last two weeks.  I wrote about our most recent disappointment on adding to our family, and wanted to keep writing about various things (because it really is therapeutic for me), but had no idea how to start that *next* blog post.  So, my strategy was to just address that elephant in my mind, and then move on, well versed transitions be damned.

I did mention in that last post that one of things I wanted to focus on this year was to do a  better job at preparing meals at home, and avoid the cost (and food) associated with dining out.  Both those avoidances are definite goods in our household.  When we eat at home, regardless of how "bad" it may seem (like coney dogs and waffle fries last night), it is still better than food we often get with eating out - it has less calories, usually by a substantial amount, and has significantly less sodium in the food.  It's also good because we save much more of our money, which then can actually be saved, used to pay off the bugaboo of credit card debts, or cover unexpected expenses without having to resort to credit cards.  In the last couple weeks, as Jackie and I have discussed how we wish to move forward with adding to our family and have broached the subject of adoption, the part on saving money has become exponentially more important.  But that's another post.

To help me conquer my semi-addiction to dining out, I have become compulsive about planning meals.  I have tried to change my view from thinking about the food that I will be eating, and how great it may taste, to thinking about numbers - calories - and how eating is simply a mechanism to get energy, not pleasure.  It's not always easy for me, especially when the local Mexican restaurant has the best chimichangas I've ever had, but the process is slowly beginning to work.  Tonight and tomorrow I know I'm having BLTs and baked potato soup.  Grilled Cheese and Beef Stew next.  Boneless Wings and Waffle fries.  Simple meals, often with an added serving of broccoli, but it helps during this initial phase because I don't feel like I'm giving up anything yet.  Occasionally, I can prepare the more involved meal, be it a chicken parmesan or some marinated steaks with red potatoes.  But I've started to learn that embracing simplicity in food is a plus - it makes it something that is done to gain energy, not something to look forward to or reward myself with.

It's a process, but it's been over a week (which isn't long, but the best I've done in awhile), and I have a good feeling of confidence that my "streak" will continue.  We still plan to eat out, probably trying to limit it more to social events with friends and family or special occasions, but we have a very strict budget on it, where before, we never worried about it.

So, a little late for that resolution post...but looking forward to a year with less dining out, more dinners at the kitchen table, more savings, and less debt.  Hopefully.

Life: It Goes On

I truly meant to write a post right at the beginning of the year, a themed post to go along with making resolutions for the coming year; a post to both reflect on the past year and embrace the coming year.  Best laid plans and intentions and all that.  Now its almost two weeks into the year and I have trouble remembering the feelings and thoughts I wanted to convey in that grand thought about post.

I know I wanted to talk about resolutions, because I had a specific one in mind - cooking more, eating out less.  This of course ties into two very big bugaboos of mine - not becoming complacent with weight loss (I've lost a 100 pounds, but I need to keep moving forward), and finally taking charge of our finances in a serious way to allow us to save money and pay down debt quicker (which would happen if we (I) didn't spend so much money eating out simply because I don't want to cook.  That was the goal, and it's had mixed results so far.  Haven't been perfect, but I've been better.

Oddly, this resolution does tie into my looking back, embracing the future theme.  One of the primary reasons or rationale behind that cooking more, eating out less, particularly from the financial side of things, was so we would be better prepared whenever we were fortunate to have a child and add to our family.  I wrote in my last post about changing perspectives, and how I often forget to focus on what I have as opposed to what I don't have.  Frankly, that has been difficult for the past year.

As I wrote here, about 15 months ago, after several years of trying, Jackie got pregnant, and then had a miscarriage shortly thereafter.  We spent all of last year learning more about the process, investigating, and investing to try and have a child of our own.  It was very easy, almost inevitable, to avoid that continual and nagging thought of how we don't have that in our life, and how much is missing because of that.  But we kept our chins up, as they say, and continued to move forward.  We invested in a specific treatment, and even though based on what we had learned that the odds were long, we had some hope at trying something new; that trying something new would yield a different result.

This last Saturday, that different result happened, as we had a positive pregnancy test.  It seemed that our hopes had finally been realized, and 2012 really was going to be a great year, and the perfect time to kick into gear all those resolutions.  As I wrote in that November 20120 post about the previous pregnancy and resultant miscarriage, life doesn't always work the way we want it.  Beginning Sunday night and into Monday, Jackie had another miscarriage.  As Jackie had stated, it never occurred to us that it could happen again.  As a result, this time really feels much, much worse.

I wrote that last time that we were doing our best to keep up hope.  That has become extremely difficult this week.  And we've discussed maintaining hope, but also probably having to redefine our expectations of how we will start a family of our own.

I'm really not sure where things go from here for us, its still too close in time for us to think and feel clearly about where we go.  A reality is that we have tried for almost five years to have a child of our own, and have only two miscarriages as a result.  Another reality is that Jackie and I are still very, very fortunate to have each other.  Which, in dealing with another loss, is a good thing, as life isn't going to stop because we have difficulty keeping up.

"In three words I can sum up everything I've learned about life: it goes on." - Robert Frost

changing reflections

When I began to write this post-Christmas post, my thoughts initially went to the idea of "surviving," as in we survived Christmas this year.  I believe that I have wrote about my struggles with all the traveling we do for Christmas that it makes me feel like I am simply completing tasks, checking off a to-do list, as opposed to enjoying the time.  Part of it really is the traveling, celebrating two Christmases in two different cities and states on two consecutive days; but some of it, no question, is my personality.

This year was probably a little more challenging due to all the travel leading up to Christmas.  In the 10 days before Christmas, we had 5 separate trips to Fort Wayne for doctor appointments (another post, another time), as well as a separate trip to Indianapolis for a basketball game.  Throw the Christmas traveling right on the end of that, and I honestly don't know what day of the week it feels like right now.

But as it has in the past, Christmas, and the time with family, always changes my perspective and reflection in positive ways.  Much of this year, particularly the last couple months (and all those doctor appointments), have led me to focus on what I don't have, but want.  Such a focus, I think, makes an individual like myself more cynical, more bitterly acerbic than normal.  And thus, it has been very difficult to "feel" that Christmas mood that is often prevalent this time of year.  I wasn't looking forward to the holiday because it meant more trips, more time behind the wheel.

But the time with family changes things.  It makes you focus on what you do have, not what you don't.  It makes you grateful for what you have, makes you realize how fortunate you are, and makes you think less and less about what is missing.  And so, two days after Christmas, I'm in the mood; I have that feeling of warmth knowing how lucky both Jackie and I are to have the families we have, and how fortunate we are to be able to spend time with them during holidays.

Grateful. And humbled.

achieving contradiction

Earlier this week, for whatever reason, I was reading old blog posts, both here and at previous sites that I have had blogs at.  The very first blog I ever started writing was at blurty, just as I was graduating college and headed to law school.  I noticed a big difference in what I wrote then, and what I write now.  Practically every update then was a "this is what's been going on" or "this is what I did" type of post.  Now, it seems like most of my posts tend to be responding to a book I read, or relaying my thoughts about something happening; but not just a simple "play-by-play" so to speak of life's events.  So, I say less about my life, but more about my thinking; and thus have successfully become both more and less open at the same time in the blogging platform.

Not sure what to make of that realization, but something I've been chewing on during an otherwise hectic week.

walls of isolation

Walls of isolation all around
No windows or doors,
Separation and seclusion,
From all things.


Materiality not present,
No substance at issue,
Dealing with shadows and forms,
The loneliness of thought.


People all around,
Support and amity,
Isolations run amok
Among the wills.


No solace in company,
No understanding in mind,
Knowledge without companion,
Such a desolated status.


No hope in sight,
Darkness overshadowing,
Volition without purpose
Curses of forced solitude.

the point

the point...heart hurting, emotion determining physicality,
vanishing lines between mental, physical pain...

how to cope, why must time be the medicine,
waiting for a future, passing time as life, how else to survive...

appreciate the present? the emptiness?
ignore the internal abyss, fill with baubles...

darkness surrounding
internal sensation fleeting
despair encroaching
doors closing
life stalling....
.
long...
.
.
tunnel...
.
.
.
flicker...
.
light.

Learning to Quit

The last few weeks have been challenging for me, as I have wrestled with a decision that is difficult for me to make.  As I have written on here before, including posts about some of the discussion topics, I have been participating in a Bible study/class at our local church.  I think that my previous rambling thoughts on said class reveal that I often have some difficulty conversing on the topics with other individuals that have a much different baseline for their faith (both in divine beings and towards the authorship and accuracy of the Bible).  The difficulty has increased significantly over the last month, and with it, a certain amount of internal tension and frustration.

I took a similar class last year, and found the experience interesting, if not somewhat stimulating and rewarding.  The experienced continue to forge relationships with individuals at church, which tends to be my primary focus, and gave me somewhat of an outlet for my overactive thinking on religious matters.  For many reasons, the experience has not been the same this year; and it had become a source of negativity for me.  As I stated, there are many reasons for this, some simple, some complicated; but I imagine the most significant is that I am in a much different place intellectually and spiritually than I was last year, and those changes, to put in bluntly, do not allow me to participate fully in the class.  It's to the point where that differing baseline has, for lack of better wording, become too big of a gap for me to handle (I do think I'm saying I'm less tolerant than I was a year ago; and I am internally debating the positive and negative of such a fact).  As I could no longer handle or stomach that differing baseline, I contributed little to the discussions.  For me, that became unacceptable.

I have, I think, two (at least) obsessive qualities that generally (generally) serve me well.  One, I don't believe in doing something half-way; if I sign up for something, or decide to take something in, I'm all in, and I give it everything I got.  Two, I can't stand not finishing something I started.  Thus, this situation presented a difficult dichotomy for me (hopefully not a false dichotomy), where I felt I could no longer give everything I had to the class (again, for many reasons), and yet did not like the option of stepping back and not attending anymore.  To steal from Hamlet, to stay and not give it my all, or to leave and not finish, that was my question.

As the title to this post would suggest, I chose to back out of the class.  For many, this may be an easy thing to do, but I'm not sure I can convey how much I truly agonized about this; I started thinking about at the beginning of November, thinking about it off an on; I skipped a Monday due to a work conflict and thought about it all that night when I got home (particularly about how much more I enjoyed that Monday), I thought about everyday over the Thanksgiving Holiday, thought about throughout the day on Monday, and thought about pretty much the entire time I was in the class this past Monday night for three hours.  I could feel myself and hear my thoughts getting more and more negative, and even hostile, towards ideas and discussion topics in the class; and could feel it affecting my overall attitude towards church membership (which is always a little touch and go).

After realizing this self-inflicted agonizing I was going through, I made the decision at the end to talk to the class leader and pull out of the class.  While, in the grand scheme of things, its a simple decision; for me, and my personality, it was a difficult one.  Getting involved in a local church has always been a conscious decision; to build community and support for both Jackie and I.  With my non-traditional views on all things religious, this has never been easy, but I feel like we have contributed much to the experience, and have gained much as well.  Thus, any step away from involvement can feel risky, even if its not.

In any event, I have had a day, almost two, to digest that decision, and I can't deny that it was the right one.  I do not feel weighted down by the negative thoughts associated with the class and its discussion.  It seems I reached a point where too much frequent exposure to religious doctrinal discussion allowed my obsessive brain to turn it into a negative experience and fruitless endeavor.  Realizing that, and coming to the understanding that sometimes less really is more, especially when it comes to balancing one's mental equilibrium, has been a positive, if not necessary step.

Thus, while "quitting" the class still has some negative connotations for me, and I still have my incessant concern how it will be viewed by others, I think I finally made peace with the idea that sometimes its necessary, for happiness, for mental health, and particularly in this case, ironically enough, for spiritual health.

Random Thought on Praise for Nature

It seems odd to me that we give praise and thanks and credit for the majesty of mountains and the beauty of sunsets, but not blame or ridicule for the terror of earthquakes, tornadoes, and hurricanes. If one is responsible for the mountains, are they not also responsible for the earthquakes?

Why I Read Quantum Theory

I tweeted last night that I wondered what it said about me that I was voluntarily reading quantum theory or mechanics on a Saturday night.  A friend graciously and kindly responded it was because I sought enlightenment.  And I hope that to be the case.  It's paragraphs like the following that cause me to read and learn about new things, new ideas, seeking new knowledge...

In the far reaches of an infinite cosmos, there's a galaxy that looks just like the Milky Way, with a solar system that's a spitting image of ours, with a planet that's a dead ringer for earth, with a house that's indistinguishable from yours, inhabited by someone who looks just like you, who is right now reading this very book and imagining you, in a distant galaxy, just reaching the end of this sentence.  And there's not just one copy. In an infinite universe, there are infinitely many.  In some, your doppelganger is now reading this sentence, along with you.  In others, he or she has skipped ahead, or feels in need of a snack and has put the book down.  In others still, he or she has, well, a less than felicitous disposition and is someone you'd rather not meet in a dark alley. - Brian Green, The Hidden Reality, p.11.

I just cannot read that sentence without my brain being tantalized about those possibilities, those realities, that reality.   Quantum mechanics, quantum theory, whatever one wants to call it, is simply fascinating to learn (that is, to learn what I can understand).  The vision and reality that results from understanding its theory is truly mind blowing, and is both incredibly awe-inspiring and humbling.  To understand the simultaneous existence of both incredible complexity in the cosmos and in our own biology, to knowingly perceive both our uniqueness and our commonality, for me, is about as spiritual as it can get.

Thus, this is why I work my way through books like these from time to time.  It's good to challenge one self. It's good to have one's intellect and knowledge both challenged, humbled, piqued, and advanced.  It's good to continue to advance and improve one's understanding of perception and reality.

Analysis, Judgment, and Discourse

A little while ago I tweeted this - http://goo.gl/Q4NWs - regarding political bias affecting our judgment and analysis, and I was thinking specifically in the context of events.  More specifically, I was reading a Facebook post regarding the alleged assassination attempt that occurred last week at the White House - http://goo.gl/Q4NWs.

Some nut job took a rifle and fired shots at the White House.  The President wasn't there.  The Facebook post focused on the gun used and distance shot from, and how unlikely anything would have occurred, as well as wondering if Obama wasn't there.  The discussion that followed was about how nothing would have happened, and how now Obama will supposedly use this as him surviving an assassination attempt.  The individuals discussing this are all conservative in their political ideology.

Now, if the President used this during his re-election campaign, it would be unfortunate, and very inappropriate.  In any event, what bothers me about this discussion is that it so readily dismisses an alleged crime in favor of irrational political discussion.  The point of the post, and of the comments, was that Obama couldn't have been killed because he wasn't there, so why worry about it.

This is why he was charged with ATTEMPTED assassination, not assassination.  Under law, a person is guilty of an attempted offense if they make substantial steps towards committing that offense.  Impossibility is not a defense.  Let's repeat that , impossibility is not a defense.  Why? Because the law determines that an individual shouldn't be off the hook for their actions simply because some external factor prevented them from completing their task.  Now, based on the facts thus far, it seems reasonable that firing a gun (most likely regardless of the gun and/or distance), establishes a prima facie case that the guy arrested took substantial steps towards his task of assassination.  The fact that he could never have achieved his task on that day is irrelevant to the criminal offense of attempt.

Why does this conversation bother me so much.  Because the individuals involved are smart people.  They are usually thoughtful, reflective, and considerate when approaching topics (granted, I rarely talk politics with any of them).  I just continue to find it sad that whenever politics comes around, we throw are rational faculties out the window so often in favor of letting or bias take over.  This has to change.  As these individuals are conservative, they are not going to agree with President Obama's policy choices. Fine. Their conservative ideology though shouldn't result in them using that judgment of not liking anything associated with Obama to analyze this event so poorly and so out of context.

This is a story about what appears to be a psychotically impaired individual doing something very stupid, and very dangerous.  Our political bias should have no role in analyzing it.  On a weekend when we are getting bad hints that the "supercommittee" doesn't have an agreed deal, and many folks are bemoaning the inability of Congress to get along and compromise and pass legislation, maybe its good to take a step back, and think that when our political climate has become so charged that a simple news story becomes an opportunity for political mudslinging among us, what would we expect from our leaders?

It's become almost impossible to have constructive political discourse today. Until that changes, among us, among the citizens, what happens (or doesn't happen) in Washington is only going to get worse.