Tuesday, December 27, 2011

changing reflections

When I began to write this post-Christmas post, my thoughts initially went to the idea of "surviving," as in we survived Christmas this year.  I believe that I have wrote about my struggles with all the traveling we do for Christmas that it makes me feel like I am simply completing tasks, checking off a to-do list, as opposed to enjoying the time.  Part of it really is the traveling, celebrating two Christmases in two different cities and states on two consecutive days; but some of it, no question, is my personality.

This year was probably a little more challenging due to all the travel leading up to Christmas.  In the 10 days before Christmas, we had 5 separate trips to Fort Wayne for doctor appointments (another post, another time), as well as a separate trip to Indianapolis for a basketball game.  Throw the Christmas traveling right on the end of that, and I honestly don't know what day of the week it feels like right now.

But as it has in the past, Christmas, and the time with family, always changes my perspective and reflection in positive ways.  Much of this year, particularly the last couple months (and all those doctor appointments), have led me to focus on what I don't have, but want.  Such a focus, I think, makes an individual like myself more cynical, more bitterly acerbic than normal.  And thus, it has been very difficult to "feel" that Christmas mood that is often prevalent this time of year.  I wasn't looking forward to the holiday because it meant more trips, more time behind the wheel.

But the time with family changes things.  It makes you focus on what you do have, not what you don't.  It makes you grateful for what you have, makes you realize how fortunate you are, and makes you think less and less about what is missing.  And so, two days after Christmas, I'm in the mood; I have that feeling of warmth knowing how lucky both Jackie and I are to have the families we have, and how fortunate we are to be able to spend time with them during holidays.

Grateful. And humbled.

Thursday, December 22, 2011

achieving contradiction

Earlier this week, for whatever reason, I was reading old blog posts, both here and at previous sites that I have had blogs at.  The very first blog I ever started writing was at blurty, just as I was graduating college and headed to law school.  I noticed a big difference in what I wrote then, and what I write now.  Practically every update then was a "this is what's been going on" or "this is what I did" type of post.  Now, it seems like most of my posts tend to be responding to a book I read, or relaying my thoughts about something happening; but not just a simple "play-by-play" so to speak of life's events.  So, I say less about my life, but more about my thinking; and thus have successfully become both more and less open at the same time in the blogging platform.

Not sure what to make of that realization, but something I've been chewing on during an otherwise hectic week.

walls of isolation


Walls of isolation all around
No windows or doors,
Separation and seclusion,
From all things.


Materiality not present,
No substance at issue,
Dealing with shadows and forms,
The loneliness of thought.


People all around,
Support and amity,
Isolations run amok
Among the wills.


No solace in company,
No understanding in mind,
Knowledge without companion,
Such a desolated status.


No hope in sight,
Darkness overshadowing,
Volition without purpose
Curses of forced solitude.

Saturday, December 10, 2011

the point

the point...heart hurting, emotion determining physicality,
vanishing lines between mental, physical pain...

how to cope, why must time be the medicine,
waiting for a future, passing time as life, how else to survive...

appreciate the present? the emptiness?
ignore the internal abyss, fill with baubles...

darkness surrounding
internal sensation fleeting
despair encroaching
doors closing
life stalling....
.
long...
.
.
tunnel...
.
.
.
flicker...
.
light.